5. Challenges

Hopefully this would go without saying, but please, above all other posts, be respectful of the content contained in this post.


"Frodo: I can't do this, Sam. 

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. 

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam? 

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for." 

- (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, J.R.R. Tolkien)

Cobb: "What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in there somewhere. "

-Inception

And now to write what will be perhaps the hardest post out of this whole series: past, and future. For you see, not only has my family been battling cancer, but also an eating-disorder. As we discovered earlier this year, Abbey has been struggling with anorexia for what is now about ten months. Of the two diseases, cancer and eating-disorders, cancer is without a doubt the easier one to deal with; not just in one area, but in all regards. Cancer is easier to understand, it is easier to treat, it is easier to talk about amongst each other as a family, and outsiders, and it is easier to receive outside support and comfort from. Anorexia on the other hand is utterly confusing (especially for me because I am a male, and my thoughts on food and self-image are so radically different from womens), virtually non-treatable (it is primarily a mental problem, and Lord knows how difficult it can be to help another individual alter their thinking), and finally, it remains a largely undiscussed topic in the public sector. For example, families rarely broadcast to the world if/when one of their members is discovered to be battling an eating disorder. That is precisely what I am doing in this post, however. Whether it is folly to do so, or it leads to further healing, this action can never be reversed; even if I remove this post tomorrow,  a singular individual could have read this in that time frame, which could then cause a landslide of events to happen. As such, it is my goal and duty to paint as accurate a picture as possible so as to avoid any possible misconceptions, which could lead to more damage than harm. 


This now marks a "true" beginning to an explanation of my thought patterns and daily choices, because now another large portion of what guides my actions has been unveiled. Whereas Jared suffers from a physical malady, and my day to day actions play only a relatively small part of how he behaves on a given day, Abbey is the victim of a mentality, and thus my actions can potentially determine how her day goes. Her day is composed of infinitely complex components, the majority of which are impossible to control. Therefore, I do my best to ease those parts of her day that I can. A majority of the time I probably fail though. I love having alone time, and spending time out with my friends, but Abbey loves me and loves being around me, which naturally lends itself to potential problems. It doesn't create huge problems, but it often can create enough stress so as to be noticeable. Adding to this is the current problem of deciding between my colleges (OSU and Miami), and the fact that for the first time in Abbey's life I may not be living at home with her. (Although, that is no longer a real issue, as I have decided that I will be attending The Ohio State University, while also living at home for the first year.) In all truthfulness, the only way that I can help Abbey overcome this struggle is to simply love her continually, and trust that God is working great things in her life. Ultimately, He is the only Being, Entity, and Doctor that can bring healing to her life. Recognizing that brings great comfort and peace to my life, as it takes the burden of trying to "fix" Abbey off of me. There will undoubtedly be a number of times where what I do exacerbates what Abbey is going through, but at the least I know that her life is not dependent on what I do; God's plan and sovereign will, will be carried out despite my flaws and even through my flaws.


We, my family, discovered Abbey's habits probably at the beginning of January, and it immediately came to embed itself into each of our minds. This "secret" came out right as Jared was going in for his surgery, so that period of time was significantly more challenging than anticipated. At that stage in time none of us knew the extent to which Abbey had/was struggling with food, i.e. how long it had been going on, and what kind of damage had been caused etc. Those were all questions we as a familial unit had to work through, and furthermore, work through while spending time together in small hospital room, while Jared was heavily drugged up and in pain, and visitors came in and out. (Sorry for this random interjection, but I just wanted to clarify that I am writing this with Abbey's permission and blessing. I thought that might be an important distinction to make.) Over the course of the weeks following the initial shock, we continued to band even closer around each other and remain committed to loving and caring for each other. Family meetings are rather routine now, though they are still sporadic in the sense that they are planned for only the day before, and help assist us in ensuring that each of us is on the same page. Even more so with this new situation coming from Abbey, my family remains honest with each other and willing to listen. Unfailingly, each of us has irritated another member of the family, but those problems have to be dealt with immediately in order to keep the stability of the overall unit intact. There is no question that our driving goal as a family, and as individuals, is to love, follow and glorify God, but that does not mean that strife does not come up within our family. Tension and stress levels are fairly high for all of us, as we strive to balance and budget out our time appropriately between what is required of us to stay afloat amidst the world (school and careers) but it is in how we deal with our stress that we fulfill our goals that we have laid out. 


Describing how this event influences my life is proving to be rather difficult, because it is so seeped into all aspects now, just like Jared's cancer. I can not point to either thing, cancer or anorexia, and say, "It has affected me in areas x, y and z." But I can look at broad areas of my life, analyze them and discover what has changed for me over this past year. That's what I have been attempting to do with this blog, and that is what I will continue to do; only now, I will have the added effect of bringing in my little sister's struggle as well.


Ultimately, I decided to include this aspect of my/our lives on here because our lives are subject to the viewing of people worldwide, and keeping this information, that is on equal footing with Jared's cancer battle, would feel like the biggest lie/cover-up of all time.  I share this with the hope that it won't be a source for gossip, because that only leads to hurting Abbey and our family, and especially not so that Abbey can be bombarded with questions continually, but rather more as just an informative tool.