" 'Yet the Lord of Gondor is not to be made the tool of other men's purposes, however worthy. And to him there is no purpose higher in the world as it now stands than the good of Gondor; and the rule of Gondor, my lord, is mine and no other man's, unless the king should come again. '
'Unless the king should come again?' said Gandalf. 'Well, my lord Steward, it is your task to keep some kingdom still against that event, which few now look to see. In that task you shall have all the aid that you are pleased to ask for. But I will say this: the rule of no realm is mine, neither of Gondor nor any other, great or small. But all worthy things that are in peril as the world now stands, those are my care. And for my part, I shall not wholly fail of my task, though Gondor should perish, if anything passes through this night that can still grow fair or bear fruit and flower again in days to come. For I also am a steward. Did you not know?' "
-(The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, J.R.R Tolkien)
"Suddenly Faramir stirred, and he opened his eyes, and he looked on Aragorn who bent over him; and a light of knowledge and love was kindled in his eyes, and he spoke softly. 'My lord, you called me. I come. What does the king command?'
'Walk no more in the shadows, but awake!' said Aragon. 'You are weary. Rest a while, and take food, and be ready when I return.'
'I will, lord,' said Faramir. 'For who would lie idle when the king has returned?'
-(The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, J.R.R Tolkien
Am I laying idle right now? Recently I've been mulling that over, and I think an honest answer would be yes. This year, for me, has been way more about surviving that about progressing. I aimed way more to just "make it," so that I could finally graduate and be done. I think there is way more that I could have done though.
Surely, on a small scale evaluation, I was active in some ways and aspects of my life were changed; how could they not be though? I would have to be hidden under a rock to avoid being affected by the situations at hand. That type of change isn't active though; it requires no choice or sacrifice on my part, and there is little I can do to refuse it. To not be idle means that I would be consistently involved in growing as an individual, and more importantly, preparing for the eventual Return of the King.
This year I have been more than blessed with the means to have an impact on my school and peers, but I didn't. Earlier this year, I can recall having a dream in which I led school revolution against the party scene of drugs, sex and alcohol. Whether the dream was prophetic or no is irrelevant; the fact of the matter is that nothing even remotely close to such an event happened. I think that, in a general sense, I virtually removed myself from the school setting. If one were able to alter time so as to remove me from this past school year, there would be little difference in the lives of a majority of students. Only in a handful of students' lives was I involved. My effect and legacy that will be left behind after I leave this school will be like a small puddle of water, whereas it could have been a powerful ocean. The fact of the matter is that people respond to cancer. Primarily adults do, but there are a number of kids who get it too (mostly those who have experienced cancer through a friend or family member) and though the UA community bonded together with my family through our ordeal, at a school setting, there was little difference. What would I have desired to be shown? I wish I would have made the effort to exemplify the brevity of life to my peers. There are only a handful of people who get it at the school, who understand that they are not, in fact, the most important person to exist, and who understand that life is not about living for continual self-satisfaction. It infuriates me when I consider how much alcohol is consumed on a weekly basis by students at my high school, how much weed is smoked, how many girls are taken advantage of, and how many drunk drivers are on the road. I do not know in the slightest what I could or would have done to try to get my point across that almost all of my peers are utterly wasting their lives by striving to reach for that next "high," literally and figuratively. It has always struck me as unbelievable how Upper Arlington, a school district with some of the brightest kids academically, can fail so miserably in raising kids accurately in the social sphere. Whether anything I could have done would have made a difference in anybody's life or not, I'm not sure, because again, high schoolers are dumb and care only for themselves. It would take a great deal of effort to break through the wall students put up nowadays, through which they pay no attention to anything they believe wouldn't happen to them. High schoolers are invincible, under no circumstance will they be part of a statistic.
While I may have failed at making an impact school-wide, or class-wide, my closest friends at least, have grown with me in adapting to new life scenarios, and recognizing that life is more than the short-term. But our growth together can be its own topic altogether, and so I'll leave that for its own individual post at a later date.
When my life ends, and I stand before my King at the Judgement seat of Christ, to be rewarded for how I used the resources and life circumstances that I was given, I cannot help but wonder if this year's events will be my greatest failure of stewardship from my life. Perhaps it will be, and perhaps it is not. Obviously, I am writing this from my own perspective, and as such, I may be unaware of what actually occurred at school this year on account of God's work in my life and through my family's lives. I can only write about my perceived notions though. So, again, maybe I have failed and maybe I haven't. In either case though, I have come to understand even more the concept of stewardship. Certainly not fully, that will likely take well beyond my life to grasp, but I learn more and more each passing year.
Ultimately, this blog is the only way I consciously chose to try to leave an impact around my school. It has been written in some way for my own benefit, but also in the hopes that some student will stumble across it, and find some value in it. I have a passion for the students at my school, I care about them, and I desire for them to receive every great thing that has been planned for them in this life, but watching them waste away in the fruitless passions of wild parties, is terrible. My hope is that somehow, someone could have grasped the concept that life is both incredibly meaningful, and incredibly short. Jared is 22, and Abbey is 14, but both are battling potentially life-threatening diseases. Even just a year ago, neither one saw their disease coming about in their lives, but yet, it is there today. As the quote goes, "A life is a terrible thing to waste," but yet that is exactly what I see happening amongst, at a minimum, 80% of the students at the high school. That number is drastically enlarged if one were to factor in those students who live for academic achievement, which is, perhaps, just as much of a wasteful use of time, as drinking.
In summation, I feel like I may have wasted what was without a doubt the most blatant resource in my life, however, there was still some victory and achievement in this area too; namely, through my friends, and this blog. Any potential impact that stems from last ditch efforts to leave a positive legacy at the school, instead of my current title of video-game master, will likely never make its way back to my ears, but it is, quite obviously, my desire that something stems from what I have documented through this blog.
Saturday
Friday
7. School
"What do you fear, my lady?" he asked.
"A cage," she said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."
- Aragorn and Eowyn (The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, J.R.R Tolkien)
About midway through last year's English class I wrote a piece that I titled, "My Prison," that somehow fit into the overall scope of the required writing. I'd like to provide that work from last year for you all to read, as most of what is said in it is still applicable to my current state (it is also interesting to note how my writing has changed and grown from even just a year ago).
School is my prison. This is not to be ungrateful of the great school I know I attend, but rather to express my misgivings towards many of its lacking features. The monotonous, routine life of school coupled with the suffocating environment has led to a grueling experience with school for the past several years.
Like a prison, school has the same monotonous routine day after day, year after year, with almost no variation. While at school, one attends the same classes with the same students in the same classroom every day for a year. Individuals in the halls pass the same people at the same time going the same way every day for a year. At home from school, one will typically follow the same schedule. In my case, my home schedule involves continuing my school experience with hours of homework.
"A cage," she said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."
- Aragorn and Eowyn (The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, J.R.R Tolkien)
About midway through last year's English class I wrote a piece that I titled, "My Prison," that somehow fit into the overall scope of the required writing. I'd like to provide that work from last year for you all to read, as most of what is said in it is still applicable to my current state (it is also interesting to note how my writing has changed and grown from even just a year ago).
My Prison
School is my prison. This is not to be ungrateful of the great school I know I attend, but rather to express my misgivings towards many of its lacking features. The monotonous, routine life of school coupled with the suffocating environment has led to a grueling experience with school for the past several years.
Like a prison, school has the same monotonous routine day after day, year after year, with almost no variation. While at school, one attends the same classes with the same students in the same classroom every day for a year. Individuals in the halls pass the same people at the same time going the same way every day for a year. At home from school, one will typically follow the same schedule. In my case, my home schedule involves continuing my school experience with hours of homework.
The ever continuous life of school directly leads to the suffocation I feel grasping for me. There is no escape from school. I spend all my time (except for my time with God) either at school, doing school work, or recuperating from school. It is unavoidable. The only other option I have would be to give up and drop out, but I know it is futile to do so. Serving out my sentence is the only reasonable possibility I have.
My biggest struggle with school for the past few years has been in discovering its value. In the long run I know school is beneficial, but I fail to see the benefits of a sustained general education. Since my birth I have been trained in my knowledge of life. School has continued this process and expanded my knowledge as well as my ability to communicate ideas. At this point in my education career though, I believe I should be trained specifically for my long term career goal. After 17 years of general knowledge and education, a more specified approach is what I, and my peers, should be getting. Instead of focusing on all areas of education, students should be able to choose their career path and advance the individual skill set involved with that choice.
Additionally, the large amount of time I spend completing school work detracts time from other important features of my life. I am forced to abstain from being with my friends on most occasions, leading to an increase in my already present introverted personality. The stress created by school causes me to become irritable and snap at my parents and siblings, which is never a good thing. I am also constantly under the pain of headaches due to the stress. Most detrimentally though, school forces me to spend less time developing my relationship with God and my fellow Christian brothers. I must either forget about school, forget about God, stay up way past the new day, or have quick ten minute to one hour sessions alone with my Savior. For myself I choose to continue with both school and God, by having short personal times alone with God. However, I hardly see this situation as ideal; I am giving God, the Creator of the Universe, my spare time. I struggle with finding the fix for this situation though, as I can’t give up school, nor is it feasible for me to live off of 3-4 hours a night.
In all of these ways school serves as my prison. The time I spend in school seems wasteful and unproductive, I am unable to escape from its grasp, it is routine and monotonous, and it detracts from time I could be valuably spending.
The main alteration from my mindset back in Junior year to this date, as I approach my graduation date, is that now I have even less of a desire to spend my time at school as I did a year ago. This shift stems primarily from the events occurring in and around my family. Each and every school day is a huge struggle to remain focused and attentive in class because I wish I could be sitting at the hospital with Jared. Whether he is alert and functional or curled up in a ball in pain, my desire is to be there for him as a brother and a friend. Or I could be helping Abbey through her struggles. Instead, I have been forced to enter into perhaps the most hostile environment that exists on this planet, the high school. Fortunately, I have a personality that enables most negative comments to bounce off, but after a time, even my defenses wear down, leaving me vulnerable to an influx of negativity. The vast majority of Upper Arlington students exude an air of "entitlement." By this I mean that the students at UA act as if they are deserving of every good thing that comes along: new Ipads, new computers, new cars, good grades, lacrosse championships, scholarships, girlfriends, perfect teachers etc. As each year passes the attitude progressively becomes more extreme. The true problem with this though, is that, as students feel more and more as if they can receive whatever they desire, work ethic plummets. Subsequently, or consequently, students also spend more and more time involved in the "party" scene because they are no longer confided to the "academic" scene.
For me this creates huge issues, because hearing the majority of students at school discuss how they are wasting their lives is next to the last thing I wish to be doing. It is brutal to hear kids (and not just random kids, my classmates, the kids I have matured next to for the past 12+ years) discuss how they can't remember who they ended up sleeping with over the weekend, or how they almost died while they drove home from a party, or how they managed to run away from a group of cops after their party was busted. I wish I could drag those kids to the hospital with me, take them all to the J-5 cancer floor at Children's Hospital and show them the kids there. Beautiful few week and month old infants and their families who haven't left the cancer floor yet, because their newborn is receiving drugs whose entire purpose is to destroy cells in the body-good and bad. Upper Arlington students think they suffer, but they have no concept of suffering. For a number of cancer patients, they cannot even bear to have a sheet placed over them, because even its incredible lightweight fiber is enough to cause the patient to scream and writhe in agony owing to how badly their skin has been burned from the chemo treatment. That is suffering. Not having one's girlfriend deny them sex over the weekend. Yet that is the environment I am pushed into each day.
As such, I am forced to compartmentalize my life: school life and everything else. This compartmentalization puts a significant strain on me as I have to switch from these two extremes quickly. Just as an object experiences considerable wear and tear if it is rapidly moved from a heating environment to a freezing environment, so to, am I gradually being worn down by rapidly moving from these different climates....
6. Choices
Frodo: "Mordor, Gandalf, is it left or right?"
Gandalf: "Left."
- (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (Film), J.R.R Tolkien)
The hardest thing for me throughout this process has not been trusting that the Lord is providing for my family and me, but rather the individual choices that have arisen throughout the year. For example, the day to day decisions I have to make carry far greater implications than at any other point of my life. I am forced to choose between keeping up with school and being involved and helpful with/for my family. As Dumbledore said in Harry Potter, "We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." However, I do not not know what those things are in my life: it is just as easy for me to sit in my room doing homework, as it is to go to the hospital and be with my brother. And as far as what is right goes, the line is just as blurred. Am I in the right if I choose to focus on my own future rather than my family's? Is it right for me to focus only on my family and not my future? Perhaps it is noble, but is it right? These are the questions I have been faced with throughout this whole year, yet I am still without answers. In actuality, I have, ashamedly, shied away from those questions because I could not reach a point of decision. Instead, I have generally just played things by ear, and sporadically. The results typically come up with relative priorities being shown. For example, after Jared's surgery, he was my priority, which meant that I focused very little on school. Conversely, at times when a Capstone deadline approaches, that has my highest priority, which results in me spending minimal time with Jared and my family.
Time management has never been my strongest suit by any means, so, needless to say, this year has challenged me immensely in that area, because balancing my time has been a key factor in keeping healthy relationships with everyone. As I have already brought up, balancing time between school and family proved to be immeasurably difficult, but those are just a few of the overall items I have to balance. Altogether, my topical schedule consists of family, friends, school, God, and self, but the subcategories make things way more complex and interesting, especially because each of those categories is essential. I cannot take one of those items away and still maintain a healthy lifestyle. My typical school based day usually consists of going to school for 7 hours, relaxing for an hour when I get home, having an hour time with God in some form (myself or a bible study with others) and then doing homework for the next 7 hours, with a lot of random breaks for youtube videos and facebook checks. On a family based day, I go to school for 7 hours, then I come home and relax for about an hour, and finally, I conclude the day by visiting Jared at the hospital or hanging out with him in his room, depending on where he is in his chemo process. When it comes to friends, the decision is radically blurred because it ends up being about choosing either my friends or Abbey, and both are essential to me. As a senior in high school, my body and mind are screaming for freedom, and the ability to hang out with my friends all day everyday, but I know that I have been called for something else; I have been tethered to this location, both for the course of my senior year, a typical party year, but also for next year, my freshmen year of college. Rather than be bitter over the atypical year that has been dealt to me, I would much rather accept it for what it is, and take it as a blessing. In a wonderful way, I have been given the opportunity to have another full year with all of my siblings living under one roof for probably the last time every in our lives. We have been granted the opportunity to further our friendships and relationships with each other at a time when we are all fairly mature. As such, it has been a large desire of mine to not forget about my siblings in the process of pursuing after friends. Essentially what ends up happening, like I explained above, is that I only do those things which have to be done at that moment. For example, my posts in for this blog are decently spread out because they do not have a set date for each post, just one large, looming, end date. Likewise, over Spring Break I was the only one home with Jared for a week, so I hung out with him, and did very little else. I wouldn't necessarily call this system "bad," because it does manage to get the job done, and it keeps everything organized by the fact that everything can be accomplished for school, time can be found for friends and there is always something active with God going on.
Like school, each and every day that I operate under this self-created system, is another day that seems "off." I wish I had the availability to devote myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of only one of the afore-mentioned categories rather than the whole range of them at once. It is much harder to take down an army at once, than it is to take out key pieces gradually. This year would have been considerably more manageable (by my standards, but obviously not God's) if I could have worked only on one aspect at a time, or even cutting out one activity at a time, such as having no school, which would enable me to be spend way more time with my friends, who exist as my brothers, confidantes and support basis.
In a nutshell, what I have tried to accomplish in this post is that timing and organizing is very stressful and difficult for me, especially with such a busy schedule like I do. The prioritization that I have discussed on here is also one of the main contributing points for why I have posted less blog entries than I intended initially. To a degree it is procrastination because the Capstone deadline is ever approaching, but it is also because there are simply other, more important things that I could be doing, such as being around to vacuum so that my mom can visit Jared at the hospital instead of cleaning. I do not believe that the simplicity of the task diminishes the overall benefits gathered from such a decision.
Gandalf: "Left."
- (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (Film), J.R.R Tolkien)
The hardest thing for me throughout this process has not been trusting that the Lord is providing for my family and me, but rather the individual choices that have arisen throughout the year. For example, the day to day decisions I have to make carry far greater implications than at any other point of my life. I am forced to choose between keeping up with school and being involved and helpful with/for my family. As Dumbledore said in Harry Potter, "We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." However, I do not not know what those things are in my life: it is just as easy for me to sit in my room doing homework, as it is to go to the hospital and be with my brother. And as far as what is right goes, the line is just as blurred. Am I in the right if I choose to focus on my own future rather than my family's? Is it right for me to focus only on my family and not my future? Perhaps it is noble, but is it right? These are the questions I have been faced with throughout this whole year, yet I am still without answers. In actuality, I have, ashamedly, shied away from those questions because I could not reach a point of decision. Instead, I have generally just played things by ear, and sporadically. The results typically come up with relative priorities being shown. For example, after Jared's surgery, he was my priority, which meant that I focused very little on school. Conversely, at times when a Capstone deadline approaches, that has my highest priority, which results in me spending minimal time with Jared and my family.
Time management has never been my strongest suit by any means, so, needless to say, this year has challenged me immensely in that area, because balancing my time has been a key factor in keeping healthy relationships with everyone. As I have already brought up, balancing time between school and family proved to be immeasurably difficult, but those are just a few of the overall items I have to balance. Altogether, my topical schedule consists of family, friends, school, God, and self, but the subcategories make things way more complex and interesting, especially because each of those categories is essential. I cannot take one of those items away and still maintain a healthy lifestyle. My typical school based day usually consists of going to school for 7 hours, relaxing for an hour when I get home, having an hour time with God in some form (myself or a bible study with others) and then doing homework for the next 7 hours, with a lot of random breaks for youtube videos and facebook checks. On a family based day, I go to school for 7 hours, then I come home and relax for about an hour, and finally, I conclude the day by visiting Jared at the hospital or hanging out with him in his room, depending on where he is in his chemo process. When it comes to friends, the decision is radically blurred because it ends up being about choosing either my friends or Abbey, and both are essential to me. As a senior in high school, my body and mind are screaming for freedom, and the ability to hang out with my friends all day everyday, but I know that I have been called for something else; I have been tethered to this location, both for the course of my senior year, a typical party year, but also for next year, my freshmen year of college. Rather than be bitter over the atypical year that has been dealt to me, I would much rather accept it for what it is, and take it as a blessing. In a wonderful way, I have been given the opportunity to have another full year with all of my siblings living under one roof for probably the last time every in our lives. We have been granted the opportunity to further our friendships and relationships with each other at a time when we are all fairly mature. As such, it has been a large desire of mine to not forget about my siblings in the process of pursuing after friends. Essentially what ends up happening, like I explained above, is that I only do those things which have to be done at that moment. For example, my posts in for this blog are decently spread out because they do not have a set date for each post, just one large, looming, end date. Likewise, over Spring Break I was the only one home with Jared for a week, so I hung out with him, and did very little else. I wouldn't necessarily call this system "bad," because it does manage to get the job done, and it keeps everything organized by the fact that everything can be accomplished for school, time can be found for friends and there is always something active with God going on.
Like school, each and every day that I operate under this self-created system, is another day that seems "off." I wish I had the availability to devote myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of only one of the afore-mentioned categories rather than the whole range of them at once. It is much harder to take down an army at once, than it is to take out key pieces gradually. This year would have been considerably more manageable (by my standards, but obviously not God's) if I could have worked only on one aspect at a time, or even cutting out one activity at a time, such as having no school, which would enable me to be spend way more time with my friends, who exist as my brothers, confidantes and support basis.
In a nutshell, what I have tried to accomplish in this post is that timing and organizing is very stressful and difficult for me, especially with such a busy schedule like I do. The prioritization that I have discussed on here is also one of the main contributing points for why I have posted less blog entries than I intended initially. To a degree it is procrastination because the Capstone deadline is ever approaching, but it is also because there are simply other, more important things that I could be doing, such as being around to vacuum so that my mom can visit Jared at the hospital instead of cleaning. I do not believe that the simplicity of the task diminishes the overall benefits gathered from such a decision.
Thursday
5. Challenges
Hopefully this would go without saying, but please, above all other posts, be respectful of the content contained in this post.
"Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for."
- (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, J.R.R. Tolkien)
Cobb: "What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in there somewhere. "
-InceptionThis now marks a "true" beginning to an explanation of my thought patterns and daily choices, because now another large portion of what guides my actions has been unveiled. Whereas Jared suffers from a physical malady, and my day to day actions play only a relatively small part of how he behaves on a given day, Abbey is the victim of a mentality, and thus my actions can potentially determine how her day goes. Her day is composed of infinitely complex components, the majority of which are impossible to control. Therefore, I do my best to ease those parts of her day that I can. A majority of the time I probably fail though. I love having alone time, and spending time out with my friends, but Abbey loves me and loves being around me, which naturally lends itself to potential problems. It doesn't create huge problems, but it often can create enough stress so as to be noticeable. Adding to this is the current problem of deciding between my colleges (OSU and Miami), and the fact that for the first time in Abbey's life I may not be living at home with her. (Although, that is no longer a real issue, as I have decided that I will be attending The Ohio State University, while also living at home for the first year.) In all truthfulness, the only way that I can help Abbey overcome this struggle is to simply love her continually, and trust that God is working great things in her life. Ultimately, He is the only Being, Entity, and Doctor that can bring healing to her life. Recognizing that brings great comfort and peace to my life, as it takes the burden of trying to "fix" Abbey off of me. There will undoubtedly be a number of times where what I do exacerbates what Abbey is going through, but at the least I know that her life is not dependent on what I do; God's plan and sovereign will, will be carried out despite my flaws and even through my flaws.
We, my family, discovered Abbey's habits probably at the beginning of January, and it immediately came to embed itself into each of our minds. This "secret" came out right as Jared was going in for his surgery, so that period of time was significantly more challenging than anticipated. At that stage in time none of us knew the extent to which Abbey had/was struggling with food, i.e. how long it had been going on, and what kind of damage had been caused etc. Those were all questions we as a familial unit had to work through, and furthermore, work through while spending time together in small hospital room, while Jared was heavily drugged up and in pain, and visitors came in and out. (Sorry for this random interjection, but I just wanted to clarify that I am writing this with Abbey's permission and blessing. I thought that might be an important distinction to make.) Over the course of the weeks following the initial shock, we continued to band even closer around each other and remain committed to loving and caring for each other. Family meetings are rather routine now, though they are still sporadic in the sense that they are planned for only the day before, and help assist us in ensuring that each of us is on the same page. Even more so with this new situation coming from Abbey, my family remains honest with each other and willing to listen. Unfailingly, each of us has irritated another member of the family, but those problems have to be dealt with immediately in order to keep the stability of the overall unit intact. There is no question that our driving goal as a family, and as individuals, is to love, follow and glorify God, but that does not mean that strife does not come up within our family. Tension and stress levels are fairly high for all of us, as we strive to balance and budget out our time appropriately between what is required of us to stay afloat amidst the world (school and careers) but it is in how we deal with our stress that we fulfill our goals that we have laid out.
Describing how this event influences my life is proving to be rather difficult, because it is so seeped into all aspects now, just like Jared's cancer. I can not point to either thing, cancer or anorexia, and say, "It has affected me in areas x, y and z." But I can look at broad areas of my life, analyze them and discover what has changed for me over this past year. That's what I have been attempting to do with this blog, and that is what I will continue to do; only now, I will have the added effect of bringing in my little sister's struggle as well.
Ultimately, I decided to include this aspect of my/our lives on here because our lives are subject to the viewing of people worldwide, and keeping this information, that is on equal footing with Jared's cancer battle, would feel like the biggest lie/cover-up of all time. I share this with the hope that it won't be a source for gossip, because that only leads to hurting Abbey and our family, and especially not so that Abbey can be bombarded with questions continually, but rather more as just an informative tool.
Friday
4. It Takes A Brother
Hey all, as a brief interjection to the general flow of things, I thought I would place this document up. Recently (within the past week), my church had a Youth Sunday service, which essentially meant that the service was led by the kids. As one of the older members of the group I was asked to share part of my personal testimony with the congregation, and specifically how my brother's battle has been affecting me. Naturally, I thought such a talk would fit perfectly on this blog. What follows are the written words of what was spoken (unfortunately not by me, but by my sister because of a terrible virus I had come down with). The overall theme of the service was, "It Takes a Village." A reference to the fact that it takes an entire community to raise a child. My role in communicating this message was to talk about how my brother helped to build me into the individual I have become. Enjoy...
It Takes a Brother
The relationship between my brother and me up to and through my elementary school years could be called rocky at best. As brothers are wont to do, there were a good deal of arguments and tussles between the two of us, mainly over simplistic things, on account of the clashing of our two natures, for, on a general account, Jared and I are opposites. Where Jared succeeds athletically, I succeed academically. Where Jared thrives in groups of people, I gravitate away from people. Where Jared loves orange juice, I love milk. However, there are a number of ways in which we are similar as well, one of which being that we both understand people, and can manipulate situations for our gain. Growing up Jared was always able to antagonize me in such a way as to always illicit some form of anger from me. Therefore, for those several years preceding middle school, Jared and I were mostly estranged from each other, in the sense of understanding that interacting with each other generally caused disruption and discord amid the family. Surely, we were brothers, and we did love each other, and there were a multitude of good times as well, but upon looking back, these are largely overshadowed by the physical and verbal bouts we experienced together.Over the course of middle school years, and Jared’s high school years, the two of us hardly interacted. Despite living under the same roof and sharing a room, there was very little conversation and development of a relationship between us. Jared lived amongst the social crowd at school and was consistently involved in the athletic side of life, whereas I existed on my own in the surreal worlds contained in novels, movies and videogames. On the whole, Jared and I spoke very little to each other while Jared was in high school, climaxing in Jared’s senior year, where the extent of our communication were simple “Good nights” issued at various hours of the night when one of us would come into the room, or the occasional calls and texts I would have to give Jared to discover when he was coming home.
As a backdrop to this oversimplified scenario, and the rest of my family relationships, there exists the spiritual journey of my personal faith. Having been born into a family of two Christian parents, the themes, stories and narratives of the Bible have been taught to me from very early on. In a sense, Church attendance has never been either mandatory or optional; it’s always just been something that I do. For me, at least, going to Church seems just as natural, or perhaps even more natural, as going to school. I can recall the night when I understood enough about the Biblical message of the sinful nature of mankind, and the perfect substitution for those sins that Christ made through his death and resurrection that enabled all people to have access to eternal life with God in heaven. It was that night when I accepted Jesus Christ as the Savior of my life. I did that around the age of four, and for the next many years, I increased in knowledge of Biblical truth and its stories, but not so much in the practice of those areas. There wasn’t much of a desire within me to do only those things that God wanted me to, and not the things that Drew wanted to do. For me, following what God had in store for me meant giving up the quiet and personal life I had built up around me. It is easy to disregard the opinions of parents because of the cultural norm to go against parental figures, which I did fairly often in regards to their wishes for me to pursue after developing a true relationship with Christ. Despite my parents influence and an older sister whose ambition was to please the Lord in all regards, my thoughts and general goals for most of my life have largely encompassed pleasing myself; thoughts that were solidified by a brother who lived the same way. Because of my personality, the pleasures and enjoyments I sought were primarily individual. I have always kept a group of about four close friends with whom I have experienced life, but, as I said earlier, I simultaneously experienced life through the eyes of others in the forms of books, movies and videogames.
All of this started to change midway through Jared’s freshmen year of college, however. Around that point, Jared initiated a series of meaningful conversations between the two of us through personal letters back and forth. For the remainder of the school year and into a little bit of summer, Jared and I continued to communicate through those letters, but it was during that time frame that a second event occurred; an event that is perhaps the most significant in Jared’s and my life to this day. That event being Jared’s summer vacation being spent in Ocean City, New Jersey alongside of 100 other Christian college men and women. During those 12 weeks spent in Ocean City Jared’s life attitude was completely and radically changed; his entire demeanor was altered. Upon returning home, Jared exhibited a singular desire to pursue Christ in every aspect. His conversations with people exemplified this and the way he was spending his time showed this. This attitude carried all the way through the school year too; unlike so many Christian conferences currently around, the summer project had trained its students how live a daily life in accord with God’s will. Seeing this new attitude in my brother, and the joy he was exuding stirred me to start living the same way. In the true spirit of a younger brother, I began looking up to my brother in order to be shown how to live a daily Christian life. Together, with my group of close friends, who were in fact Christians, though they mostly existed in the same state as me at the time, I began taking an active role in discerning my role in God’s design for this world, and started giving over control of aspects of my life to the Lord.
Over the course of that school year, Jared continued to live out his faith on the Miami campus by spiritually investing and building up others, and being built into by more mature believers and the following summer returned to Ocean City for another few months of being challenged to grow in his faith. That was this past summer, and before entering into that round of the Ocean City summer project Jared had laid out plans through prayer with God to spend the summer in a servants position, and though he said the words, it wasn’t until the summer began and God began pushing Jared into the role he asked for, that Jared understood the trials that accompany such a position. At the conclusion of the summer though, the experience was able to give Jared a small sampling of the role he would be given in the near future.
Just two months after returning from such a spiritual haven, Jared, our family, and I were greeted with the news that Jared had cancer; a fact that instantly placed our lives on a rollercoaster in complete darkness. Each moment through this time has been unique, and completely unpredictable. From the initial shock of the cancer revelation, to spending Christmas at the hospital, to experiencing a few weeks of a brother who is physically there, but unable to understand, comprehend and basically hold a conversation, each and every day is truly new. From the beginning of this trial though, it has been understood by our family, and especially Jared that we have not been given this as punishment, but as a means by which each and every member of the family can be stretched to develop in previously unforeseen ways. Jared has been stripped of a great deal of the inherent pride we all carry (especially as men). As a result of the surgery, and subsequent knee replacement, he has been told that he can never run again, but Jared’s athletic skill has always been one of his primary traits that he has to value. Additionally, he has been stripped of almost all of the deep, meaningful relationships he had built over the summer projects and year and a quarter he spent at Miami after those trips. No longer was that support group around to check in and build into my brother’s life, forcing Jared to have to pursue a walk of faith with the Lord almost entirely alone for the first time. Amongst all of our family, we have had to adapt to new roles thrust at us. For me, I have been pushed from just watching my brother’s faith and trying to apply the knowledge I’ve gained from him into my life, into a rapid transformation of becoming one of his lone confidantes. Perhaps the most meaningful moment I’ve experienced with Jared came while sitting in his hospital room after the surgery. After a period of talking for a while, Jared turned to me and told me that I had become his best friend. After not seeing Jared for nearly two years, amidst his schooling at Miami and summer trips, I had become his best friend and a part of his close support basis.
This whole cancer thing has truly pushed me to limits I didn’t know I could bear. I don’t know how to handle most of the situations I’m faced with currently; I’m used to being forced to decide between choices on a multiple choice test, that I’ve had weeks to prepare for. I have not however had prior experience with dealing with drugs whose entire purpose is to destroy all of an individual’s cells, good and bad, or a pathology report that wasn’t comforting in the least, and even just the fact that most of my peers who I interact with daily don’t understand in the slightest what this situation looks like for me. But this situation has already borne incredible fruit. My closest friends have been pushed to support me in newfound ways, and we have established profound relationships with each other that wouldn’t have arisen otherwise. My family has been blessed with the opportunity of all of us living at home for an unexpected full year together, through which we have already been able to encourage each other, and strengthen the bonds with each other, which otherwise wouldn’t have been able to come about. And maybe most importantly to me, is the growth in friendship, and love I have experienced with Jared through this time.
Over the course of my life, I have always held Jared as a role model in my eyes. Early on we battled each other, which then led into a distant and almost absent relationship, and finally, through the grace of God, into a true brotherly relationship of mutual support, and encouragement. Led by Jared’s example, I have grown to understand what a true relationship with Christ looks like, and I have now been given the opportunity to minister to him in a similar way that he was able to do so for me. Without my brother, I wouldn’t have lived these past few years with the desire to submit all to the Lord. God’s gift of a brother to me is one which I shall truly be eternally grateful for.
Tuesday
3. The Beginning
"I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."
"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."
-Gandalf (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings, J.RR. Tolkien)
Before I begin, a quick word on the structure of this blog: I do not plan on maintaining a chronological account of this journey. While doing so may seem logical at first thought, it would also severely limit the accuracy of my descriptions; since I have delayed beginning this project for so long, there will be a period of time during which I will be playing "catch up." Therefore, if I were to proceed strictly chronologically, current events would join the ranks of memories that could become distorted. The more recent an event happens, the easier it is to remember details accurately, and precisely; thus, by describing them as they occur, while simultaneously "catching up" on past events, I can achieve the greatest amount of accuracy. I am giving this warning out now, so that things, hopefully, do not become too confusing down the road, in the case of simultaneous time frames.
Despite this forewarning though, I am going to begin this narrative with an analysis of the first little bit of this whole adventure. My main goal through this is not to give a recount of every significant moment in regards to my brother's battle with cancer (my brother is already doing an excellent job of that with his own blog at http://sylvesjf.wordpress.com), but, as I've said before, to provide an insightful view of what cancer means to the family members of individuals with cancer. I will probably actually be assuming that all of my readers have been informed of the overall situation and have kept up with my brother's blog. That way I can avoid going into lengthy details that have already been recounted elsewhere. So with that, let's dive in....
October 15, 2010- a date which will live in infamy. At least for my family that is. It was on this day that my family was given the news that Jared, my brother, could possibly have a cancerous tumor in his left knee. While that was the first true pronouncement of the cancer, the inkling of its existence had crept into my mind about an hour before that moment. Jared, my mom, my dad, and Melissa had all been called over to receive the MRI results on Jared's knee from a doctor, who is also a family friend. He wasn't quite sure whether Abbey and I should be there to receive the news, so he just called over the older family members, leaving Abbey and I behind to continue with our task of making caramel apples (indeed there are still families with siblings who spend time together), and to wonder why they had all been called over without us. Once most of my family had left, I began guessing that something unsuspected had come back in the report, and was hoping that maybe I was wrong. But, I wasn't, as would be immediately apparent on each of my family members' faces as they came back some time later. Each one bore the tell-tale face of one who had just been crying, and as Abbey and I were called over to join them on the couches, I knew what was coming next. I have really only experienced one other moment that bears similarity to that fateful moment: the death of my wonderful dog Aslan in third grade. I vividly remember waking up on that morning and knowing immediately that something was off. I can recall walking tentatively down the stairs, in expectancy of something horrible to be awaiting me, only to be greeted with a grieving mother, and a still and silent dog; the whole atmosphere of the house was noticeably "off." There just isn't a great way of describing it, if it hasn't been experienced firsthand. But that same sense of dread I felt on that February morning of third grade came rushing back, as I sat down on the couch and my brother proceeded to inform Abbey and I of the possibility of cancer growing inside of him.
As Jared relayed to Abbey and I what the doctors believed to be true about his tumor, I can recall one fact above all others: I did not cry. This stands out to me for two reasons: firstly, the rest of my family was either bawling or just crying, and secondly, I'm fairly ashamed of the fact. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't cry, because it is a truly terrifying and heart-stopping moment when cancer is announced. Perhaps it was because of the suddenness of the event and the overall shock of the matter, or perhaps it was a little bit of both, together with a self-indulgent desire to remain "stoic" in the moment. Whatever the case, I regret not showing weakness and vulnerability.
Apart from not crying though, I can also distinctly remember what unfolded after the results were discussed. The way in which our family handled the situation at the beginning here, truly set the tone for the rest of the long journey and that is through abiding in love with each other and the Lord, and trusting in His steadfast faithfulness to us. Because each member of our family has a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, there is a unique bond, a bond that is able to transcend the hardships of this world. Therefore, despite the shock, terror, and pain of the evening, we chose to pray together as a family, and also to sing praises and worship to the Lord. I am amazed that we were able to stay composed enough to sing together, but it was wonderful and refreshing to do so, and as I said, it set the mood for the whole process of battling cancer. Singing together, brought confirmation to the question of whether the cancer was brought on as a means to draw attention to an issue in an individual's life, or more to draw each of us closer to unity with each other and Christ. Overall, I think both have been accomplished; a fact that, hopefully, should be exemplified throughout my writing.
Despite the first few weeks of the cancer process involving the most action, that period of time stands out to me as the time where the least amount of emotional and spiritual activity. There is almost an inverse relationship for how those two factors have played out in my life. It is during the down time, where I mull most frequently over deep emotional ideas, and struggle in maintaining a trusting and faithful relationship to God. But during periods of frequent activity, I am the most trusting of my God and willing to just simply walk and obey. Additionally, I am relatively devoid of real emotional changes while I am kept busy.
Therefore, it goes to say that for those first few weeks after discovering the cancer, nothing too dramatic occurred within me. I accepted the news for what it was, and simply waited to see what would follow. For the first few months even, I maintained a fairly even balance of things, with not a whole lot going on. There were a few key points during the process, but I will highlight those in later posts. For now, I will leave you with knowing that my typical schedule involved attending school, doing homework, cleaning up around the house, visiting the hospital, and scattered periods of free time throughout that schedule.
"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."
-Gandalf (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings, J.RR. Tolkien)
Before I begin, a quick word on the structure of this blog: I do not plan on maintaining a chronological account of this journey. While doing so may seem logical at first thought, it would also severely limit the accuracy of my descriptions; since I have delayed beginning this project for so long, there will be a period of time during which I will be playing "catch up." Therefore, if I were to proceed strictly chronologically, current events would join the ranks of memories that could become distorted. The more recent an event happens, the easier it is to remember details accurately, and precisely; thus, by describing them as they occur, while simultaneously "catching up" on past events, I can achieve the greatest amount of accuracy. I am giving this warning out now, so that things, hopefully, do not become too confusing down the road, in the case of simultaneous time frames.
Despite this forewarning though, I am going to begin this narrative with an analysis of the first little bit of this whole adventure. My main goal through this is not to give a recount of every significant moment in regards to my brother's battle with cancer (my brother is already doing an excellent job of that with his own blog at http://sylvesjf.wordpress.com), but, as I've said before, to provide an insightful view of what cancer means to the family members of individuals with cancer. I will probably actually be assuming that all of my readers have been informed of the overall situation and have kept up with my brother's blog. That way I can avoid going into lengthy details that have already been recounted elsewhere. So with that, let's dive in....
October 15, 2010- a date which will live in infamy. At least for my family that is. It was on this day that my family was given the news that Jared, my brother, could possibly have a cancerous tumor in his left knee. While that was the first true pronouncement of the cancer, the inkling of its existence had crept into my mind about an hour before that moment. Jared, my mom, my dad, and Melissa had all been called over to receive the MRI results on Jared's knee from a doctor, who is also a family friend. He wasn't quite sure whether Abbey and I should be there to receive the news, so he just called over the older family members, leaving Abbey and I behind to continue with our task of making caramel apples (indeed there are still families with siblings who spend time together), and to wonder why they had all been called over without us. Once most of my family had left, I began guessing that something unsuspected had come back in the report, and was hoping that maybe I was wrong. But, I wasn't, as would be immediately apparent on each of my family members' faces as they came back some time later. Each one bore the tell-tale face of one who had just been crying, and as Abbey and I were called over to join them on the couches, I knew what was coming next. I have really only experienced one other moment that bears similarity to that fateful moment: the death of my wonderful dog Aslan in third grade. I vividly remember waking up on that morning and knowing immediately that something was off. I can recall walking tentatively down the stairs, in expectancy of something horrible to be awaiting me, only to be greeted with a grieving mother, and a still and silent dog; the whole atmosphere of the house was noticeably "off." There just isn't a great way of describing it, if it hasn't been experienced firsthand. But that same sense of dread I felt on that February morning of third grade came rushing back, as I sat down on the couch and my brother proceeded to inform Abbey and I of the possibility of cancer growing inside of him.
As Jared relayed to Abbey and I what the doctors believed to be true about his tumor, I can recall one fact above all others: I did not cry. This stands out to me for two reasons: firstly, the rest of my family was either bawling or just crying, and secondly, I'm fairly ashamed of the fact. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't cry, because it is a truly terrifying and heart-stopping moment when cancer is announced. Perhaps it was because of the suddenness of the event and the overall shock of the matter, or perhaps it was a little bit of both, together with a self-indulgent desire to remain "stoic" in the moment. Whatever the case, I regret not showing weakness and vulnerability.
Apart from not crying though, I can also distinctly remember what unfolded after the results were discussed. The way in which our family handled the situation at the beginning here, truly set the tone for the rest of the long journey and that is through abiding in love with each other and the Lord, and trusting in His steadfast faithfulness to us. Because each member of our family has a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, there is a unique bond, a bond that is able to transcend the hardships of this world. Therefore, despite the shock, terror, and pain of the evening, we chose to pray together as a family, and also to sing praises and worship to the Lord. I am amazed that we were able to stay composed enough to sing together, but it was wonderful and refreshing to do so, and as I said, it set the mood for the whole process of battling cancer. Singing together, brought confirmation to the question of whether the cancer was brought on as a means to draw attention to an issue in an individual's life, or more to draw each of us closer to unity with each other and Christ. Overall, I think both have been accomplished; a fact that, hopefully, should be exemplified throughout my writing.
Despite the first few weeks of the cancer process involving the most action, that period of time stands out to me as the time where the least amount of emotional and spiritual activity. There is almost an inverse relationship for how those two factors have played out in my life. It is during the down time, where I mull most frequently over deep emotional ideas, and struggle in maintaining a trusting and faithful relationship to God. But during periods of frequent activity, I am the most trusting of my God and willing to just simply walk and obey. Additionally, I am relatively devoid of real emotional changes while I am kept busy.
Therefore, it goes to say that for those first few weeks after discovering the cancer, nothing too dramatic occurred within me. I accepted the news for what it was, and simply waited to see what would follow. For the first few months even, I maintained a fairly even balance of things, with not a whole lot going on. There were a few key points during the process, but I will highlight those in later posts. For now, I will leave you with knowing that my typical schedule involved attending school, doing homework, cleaning up around the house, visiting the hospital, and scattered periods of free time throughout that schedule.
Thursday
2. Analysis
Again, I am choosing to draw back on material I wrote last year because last year the final piece I wrote for school was a personal internal analysis on how I believe I operate. I thought it might be valuable for any readers to have this, in order to be able to understand me better as a person and a writer. The context of this writing assignment was to be an OP, a quarterly paper we would write and then read to the class. The only characteristic of an OP was only that it had to be about a topic we were currently dealing with.
I’m not quite sure how I appear to others, but I feel like often times I am perceived as an awkward and shy guy. While this notion certainly has merit, it is my belief that it’s not entirely true. There’s more to the story than just being shy. I am without a doubt reserved, but I’m not reserved because I don’t like talking and/or have nothing to say. In fact the opposite is true. I love talking and I have everything to say. My introverted character hinges on the fact that I don’t enjoy carrying on random and trivial conversations. I like having a purpose in what I say. Compounding this fact, is the added effect of having too much to say. Whether that surprises some of you or not, I don’t know, but it’s true. I internalize everything I observe and therefore have a lot to discuss.
A Look at Drew Sylvester
I’m not quite sure how I appear to others, but I feel like often times I am perceived as an awkward and shy guy. While this notion certainly has merit, it is my belief that it’s not entirely true. There’s more to the story than just being shy. I am without a doubt reserved, but I’m not reserved because I don’t like talking and/or have nothing to say. In fact the opposite is true. I love talking and I have everything to say. My introverted character hinges on the fact that I don’t enjoy carrying on random and trivial conversations. I like having a purpose in what I say. Compounding this fact, is the added effect of having too much to say. Whether that surprises some of you or not, I don’t know, but it’s true. I internalize everything I observe and therefore have a lot to discuss.
I would estimate that I probably only communicate about 2% of what I have to say on a daily basis. Everything else I just internalize. Part of the reason for this is simply because I’m not presented with the opportunity to discuss what I want and I don’t like spontaneously bringing up topics. It’s just not how my character works. I work very systematically, and don’t like making random jumps out of my line. The other part of this problem is simply that I don’t know how to verbalize everything that I think. Even as an example of this, I am having difficulty trying to vocalize the problem I face in a manner that is understandable to all of you right now.
Once again I’ll split up this specific problem into two underlying factors. The first of which is the easier to understand. My family consists of 6 members: my parents, my older sister, my older brother, my younger sister, and myself. Out of my siblings, my older sister and I are the most similar, while my brother and younger sister are similar in their temperaments. As I described to Ms. Volksen in the first assignment of the year, my brother’s character plays a vital role in defining who I am. Jared is an incredibly outgoing, talkative and fun person to be around. I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t enjoy being around my brother, apart from teachers that is (although even they like his personality, just not what they see as his disruptiveness). Jared is basically my opposite: he is absolutely comfortable around others, can talk easily, and is naturally athletic (among other things). The fact that he is my opposite is what I’m getting at though. He is my opposite because that is what I allowed. I am not an assertive person, so when I was born into my family I simply filled the role that was open, rather than competing with my brother. This involved me becoming the listener and observer; a role that I still fill today, within my family, and within life in general. As I expressed in my paper earlier this year, I am not in the least disappointed with this role, I love who I am. Nor am I expressing resentment towards my brother for pushing me into this role. I love my brother, and he is the person I have looked up to most my whole life. This is just part of the explanation for why I am who I am.
As I said previously, my difficulty in verbalizing ideas is due to two factors, the second of which is the more difficult to explain. I have limitless thoughts floating around in my mind, but when it comes time to express them, I fall short. It seems to me in retrospect, as if the English language doesn’t suffice. Which seems absurd to say, but it’s the closest description I can come to. For those of you who have read the Eragon books by Christopher Paolini, I feel as if my mind would be much better suited to the type of communication Eragon and his dragon have, one in which words aren’t essential, but where emotions, feelings and images are shared via their thoughts. Thus, the entire thought is communicated, not just fragments, which is what seems to happen to me. Everything I try to say is infinitely better in my mind. The general scenario involved with my difficulty is that as I try to communicate my ideas, I grasp for the ideas and only end up holding on to a portion of the original thought. Despite the risk of seeming even crazier than I probably already sound, I’ll throw in this final example. Within the confines of my own mind I probably engage in 10-30 monologue discussions on a daily basis. Just to clarify, I’m not like a mad scientist. I would describe it as more of a computer playing through possible scenarios of an event. In my case, I will usually run through certain events in my life, whether from that day, perceived future events, or past events, and play through what are virtually what-if situations. They almost always involve me changing what I said, and playing through what the conversation might have looked like, or more often than not, saying something instead of nothing at all and then playing out the rest of the situation.
Somehow, this OP ended up a lot stranger than I originally intended, but that virtually proves my whole argument: I can’t communicate as well as I would want to. Hopefully, you were able to follow my path well enough to make sense of what I said. My intent for this OP was to clear up possible misconceptions of who I am, and how I operate, so to speak. We only have one year left together, and I don’t want to walk away from all of our time together misunderstood.
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