6. Choices

Frodo: "Mordor, Gandalf, is it left or right?"


Gandalf: "Left."
- (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (Film), J.R.R Tolkien)

The hardest thing for me throughout this process has not been trusting that the Lord is providing for my family and me, but rather the individual choices that have arisen throughout the year. For example, the day to day decisions I have to make carry far greater implications than at any other point of my life. I am forced to choose between keeping up with school and being involved and helpful with/for my family. As Dumbledore said in Harry Potter, "We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." However, I do not not know what those things are in my life: it is just as easy for me to sit in my room doing homework, as it is to go to the hospital and be with my brother. And as far as what is right goes, the line is just as blurred. Am I in the right if I choose to focus on my own future rather than my family's? Is it right for me to focus only on my family and not my future? Perhaps it is noble, but is it right? These are the questions I have been faced with throughout this whole year, yet I am still without answers. In actuality, I have, ashamedly, shied away from those questions because I could not reach a point of decision. Instead, I have generally just played things by ear, and sporadically. The results typically come up with relative priorities being shown. For example, after Jared's surgery, he was my priority, which meant that I focused very little on school. Conversely, at times when a Capstone deadline approaches, that has my highest priority, which results in me spending minimal time with Jared and my family.

Time management has never been my strongest suit by any means, so, needless to say, this year has challenged me immensely in that area, because balancing my time has been a key factor in keeping healthy relationships with everyone. As I have already brought up, balancing time between school and family proved to be immeasurably difficult, but those are just a few of the overall items I have to balance. Altogether, my topical schedule consists of family, friends, school, God, and self, but the subcategories make things way more complex and interesting, especially because each of those categories is essential. I cannot take one of those items away and still maintain a healthy lifestyle. My typical school based day usually consists of going to school for 7 hours, relaxing for an hour when I get home, having an hour time with God in some form (myself or a bible study with others) and then doing homework for the next 7 hours, with a lot of random breaks for youtube videos and facebook checks. On a family based day, I go to school for 7 hours, then I come home and relax for about an hour, and finally, I conclude the day by visiting Jared at the hospital or hanging out with him in his room, depending on where he is in his chemo process. When it comes to friends, the decision is radically blurred because it ends up being about choosing either my friends or Abbey, and both are essential to me.  As a senior in high school, my body and mind are screaming for freedom, and the ability to hang out with my friends all day everyday, but I know that I have been called for something else; I have been tethered to this location, both for the course of my senior year, a typical party year, but also for next year, my freshmen year of college. Rather than be bitter over the atypical year that has been dealt to me, I would much rather accept it for what it is, and take it as a blessing. In a wonderful way, I have been given the opportunity to have another full year with all of my siblings living under one roof for probably the last time every in our lives. We have been granted the opportunity to further our friendships and relationships with each other at a time when we are all fairly mature. As such, it has been a large desire of mine to not forget about my siblings in the process of pursuing after friends. Essentially what ends up happening, like I explained above, is that I only do those things which have to be done at that moment. For example, my posts in for this blog are decently spread out because they do not have a set date for each post, just one large, looming, end date. Likewise, over Spring Break I was the only one home with Jared for a week, so I hung out with him, and did very little else. I wouldn't necessarily call this system "bad," because it does manage to get the job done, and it keeps everything organized by the fact that everything can be accomplished for school, time can be found for friends and there is always something active with God going on.

Like school, each and every day that I operate under this self-created system, is another day that seems "off." I wish I had the availability to devote myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of only one of the afore-mentioned categories rather than the whole range of them at once. It is much harder to take down an army at once, than it is to take out key pieces gradually. This year would have been considerably more manageable (by my standards, but obviously not God's) if I could have worked only on one aspect at a time, or even cutting out one activity at a time, such as having no school, which would enable me to be spend way more time with my friends, who exist as my brothers, confidantes and support basis.

In a nutshell, what I have tried to accomplish in this post is that timing and organizing is very stressful and difficult for me, especially with such a busy schedule like I do. The prioritization that I have discussed on here is also one of the main contributing points for why I have posted less blog entries than I intended initially. To a degree it is procrastination because the Capstone deadline is ever approaching, but it is also because there are simply other, more important things that I could be doing, such as being around to vacuum so that my mom can visit Jared at the hospital instead of cleaning. I do not believe that the simplicity of the task diminishes the overall benefits gathered from such a decision.